#5: ‘Everyday Struggles’

Recently I watched a video called “You Don’t ‘Lack Follow Through’ – 5 Signs You’re Self Regulating Through Future Fantasies”. I didn’t feel like it was something I necessarily needed to listen to, but I was taking a shower and in the mood to chew on some ideas so it couldn’t be a bad idea.

Of course, it ended up being more insightful than I even thought it would be. I think my six years of therapy have helped me to not self-regulate in the ways this woman described, but I can’t deny I have a tendency to think more about a future version of myself and try to be a different person for different people and think that will fix things, or that I get a little defensive every now and then about my decisions. I highly recommend watching it if you have a spare 20 minutes.

However, one thing she said really stuck with me; a question that Ive been coming back to, both willingly and unwillingly. The question was: What do you want your everyday struggles to be?

She went on to say that, for example, maybe your entire life you’ve been told you’re a great writer, so you tell yourself you’ll be a writer. But if you don’t like sitting down every day to write, or going through pages and pages of edits, then do you really want to be a writer? Sounds obvious, I know, but I’ve definitely gone through a lot of my life telling myself that I had to be something, and what often ended up happening was I loved DOING the thing but I didn’t like many of the things surrounding the thing. Or, maybe not even didn’t like, but rather wasn’t naturally good or motivated at doing what I needed to do to to be in that field. The irony of all this, I’m realizing in this exact moment , is that I quite literally do lack follow-through in many subjects and I’m aware of that and have been very hard on myself in those moments where I let it slip (probably due to my ADHD lol.) But I will say, I am proud of being at a point where I can be honest with myself because I used to be much worse about that… I digress!

Yesterday I announced I’ll be releasing a single that has been in my back pocket for a while now and I’m anxious. I worry what people will think of the song, of course, but I really do like the work and I like the everyday struggles of making and releasing music. I get to design the cover art, and submit to playlists, and figure out fun ways to promote it. I’m not normally the best promoter when it comes to myself, but when there is context it just feels like I get to have fun and make more art surrounding my art, and I guess at my core I do believe in the messages of my songs, which helps, and I just want to keep making more music. Plus, it opens up more opportunities for collaboration from people and friends I think are talented, which will make sense later when I get to credit everyone for their work (one of the best parts!)

But it’s also all I can think about it, which is both a blessing and a curse. It can be hard, especially with job and relationship and responsibilities. It’s hard not to feel selfish. I do keep having moments where I just want to cry because there will always be something hard that bubbles up, someone I’m disappointing, something I’m not doing that I should be doing, and it makes me get very negative in a way I really dislike. I get paranoid [insert any person here] doesn’t like me anymore and is just too polite not to tell me. Just last night I had a dream I offended Florence Pugh and she rated me one star as a friend on an app, a la that Black Mirror episode. Actually, that is largely in part what this new song is about: I can’t help but put it all out there, no matter how badly I want to hide or shut down (which is very badly depending on the day lol.) But I’m lucky to have a support system of friends and family I can open up to and who help me get through, even if I feel like I’m being annoying. And there are so many other things to actually be worried about in this world of ours, right? Ugh… so I think I’m going to write some sticky notes for the bathroom mirror today as a reminder of the everyday struggles I want to have and to just… chill. Chill, Erin! 💌

Thanks to everyone who has expressed excitement about the new single release, by the way! If you’d like to presave my next single and haven’t yet done so, click here:

https://distrokid.com/hyperfollow/erinharland/cant-help-it?utm_medium=Email+&utm_campaign=website&utm_source=SendGrid&fbclid=PAAabHZHjfSUfdert8H1yjgSLbMNLYcx-5MKbpGuHNjnQyyk-F9nbQwzSkQt0_aem_Acr22oAJ3i5Jsef3up3Y3_ALSXD0HXfVKVFq7yoZJmZvxZ_LQZEhCYSQeo7PV54NO4k